Laurens Buijs
Amsterdam Gender Theory Research Team
Among straight people I often feel like a gay man, but among gay people I feel like a straight man.
When I am among straight people I immediately feel that I am “different.” I do not have a typical heterosexual marriage with a wife, mortgage, children, steady job. I have a very different social life and past than most heterosexuals because of my homosexuality.
My personality is also different from most straight men. I definitely have a developed masculine side, but not only that. I also have other interests, am more emotional and sensitive. I have always had groups of female friends rather than male friends.
But when I’m among gay people I feel more straight. Especially in the game of flirting and seduction. I am always attracted to the more feminine guys, and find it exciting to woo them with my masculinity.
Feminine gay men, by the way, are not necessarily effeminate in their behaviour or gender expression. There are a lot of gay men who have a feminine energy and personality, without that translating into effeminate behavior. So they can appear very masculine at first glance, yet in their personality be a lot like a woman.
So in that respect, I think I know what it is to be a straight man. I think the gay men I fall for are a lot like women, at least in the sexual-romantic game.
Learn more about the position of women and femininity in today’s patriarchal society:
Femininity is not oppressed, but has become corrupted
In summary, I am attracted to both masculinity and femininity. I really am attracted to men and not to women. I love their male body and face. But I also find their feminine energy and personality insanely attractive.
When I read about the “Madonna/whore complex” described by Sigmund Freud, I recognized a lot in it.
Freud suggested that men often tend to see women in one of two extremes: the “Madonna” represents the ideal image of purity, innocence and motherhood, while the “whore” is associated with desire, lust and sexuality.
Read more about the figure of the whore in our society:
Sex workers are stigmatized in patriarchy but are in reality sacred healers
According to Freud, the sexuality of the woman is ambivalent and dual: she is pure and lustful at the same time, innocent and mischievous at the same time, goddess and object of lust at the same time.
Men often struggle with balancing these two sides of women. Men sometimes put the woman on a pedestal too much, while at other times they treat her too much like an object.
According to Freud, this especially says a lot about the man himself. The imbalance in how the man sees the woman would be caused by inner conflicts that could be processed and understood through psychoanalysis.
Carl Jung took Freud’s thinking another step further. According to him, every man has a woman hidden in his own psyche: the Anima. The Anima is the feminine side of every man.
The better the man succeeds in integrating this inner woman into his own personality, the more balanced he can deal with women and the two sides of female sexuality. Integrating the Anima is done through shadow work.
Read more about shadow work:
With shadow work, one shines light on one’s own unconscious malice
So it is essential for men to get started on integrating their Anima. In this way, they will become both a better partner and lover of the women for whom they feel love and lust. And that is exactly what women need to heal from 12,800 years of patriarchal trauma (see also AGTRT-BA15).
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